Sometimes the world is just too overwhelming. At least it is for someone like me who suffers from anxiety and depression, who’s also an empath and has a strong sense of social justice. At these times, I just want to climb in a hole, and shut myself away from the world. Even fiction hurts and reading has me in tears.

I was going to write today about the feel good shows that I watch over and over on streaming because they bring comfort to me. But I don’t think I can. Because today I feel broken and exhausted. And an important character just died in my current read, and it’s only chapter 6 of an intense finale in a 7 book series, so even reading isn’t a comfort.

It’s also 3:15 in the afternoon on Sunday and I haven’t even gotten out of bed. I have things I need to do, but I can’t do them. I have a goal streak that I just can’t follow through with. I don’t know if I can even face going in to work tomorrow. And I have a crazy, busy week ahead. And I love my job. Can’t I just hide from the world this time? Do I always have to do what’s right? Can’t I run away from home and cease to exist in this world?

I’m the one who is supposed to take care of everyone else- my mom, my team, our employees. I’m not supposed to be the one falling off the side of the earth. I’m supposed to be advocating and fighting, not sitting frozen, unable to will my body to move. Not feeling as though the world is ending and I surrender because I just can’t do it anymore.

This isn’t the end, probably. I’ll hurt and I’ll cry and I’ll shatter, but in a few days I’ll probably get up again and go back to fighting, go back to advocating, go back to taking care. Probably. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe a month or two. I tend to make it through these crashes with minimal damage. Just bruises and the occasional scar where no one can see. I’ve had a lot of practice. This probably isn’t the time that I don’t get back up. Maybe.