I’ve decided that, for the time being, I’ll be doing a monthly update on my mental health and how I’m doing.  This may become permanent, or it may be just until I find work, or until I feel more stable. This monthly post should also, hopefully, minimize the number of whiny posts/updates each month and help to bring more positivity back to my life (and the blog).

Right now, I’m ok. I’m not great, the dark thoughts are very much there. I’m sad, lonely, scared, and feel pretty crappy about myself. BUT I’m productive and reading, which is a huge thing. At the start of July I was in a really bad place, barely functioning, not reading and suicidal. I’m not in that place now.

3 weeks ago, I started my second attempt at focusing on self-care. The first time around I failed because I tried to do too much at one time. This time I started with 1 thing and am slowly adding more. I also started with the brain stuff this time instead of the physical stuff, so I think that has been a big help. I started with meditation, then added a short daily journal entry and then a gratitude journal. There are days that I struggle to come up with 5 things that I am grateful for, but I find them.

My depression is cyclical and it’s never going to go away completely, but if I can get my self-care back in order and maintain the stretches where I feel good for longer periods and keep the pits from getting too deep, I’ll be fine. I have been managing this condition since I was in my teens and I know how important self-care is, I just get off track or overwhelmed sometimes (the anxiety is a separate issue and contributes to this).

The biggest thing right now is the fear and uncertainty. While I have survived a lot in my life, the food situation scares me right now. Even when I was homeless and living in my car, sleeping in rest stops, I had a job and I had food. There were other safety concerns with that situation of course, but I knew I would be able to eat. Now though, I’m really scared. There are resources, but they are based on household, not individual, and my mom is currently refusing to even consider them. Every time I bring it up, I get a stone stare and her response is that I need to find a job.

And I’m trying to do just that, but there isn’t a lot available in our area and I don’t have the transportation to commute an hour away like I used to (there is no public transportation that serves my town or goes between counties here).

To find the positive in the situation though, I’ve already lost about 15 pounds, so at least there’s that.