You may have noticed that I disappeared for a bit. Or you might not have, I don’t get a lot of page views unless I join a “link up.” And maybe that’s part of the problem or just a result of the issues, I don’t know. But things have been bad, really bad, as far as my mental health and everything else has been concerned.

I’m not really sure where to begin. I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a few days and I want to be completely honest and not hide certain aspects of myself like I usually do; like I’ve been taught and encouraged to do my entire life. But I need to put this out there so maybe someone will understand. I mean, I’m not even sure I understand myself half the time.

Ok, so first, just the fact that I am writing this post means that I am on an upward swing. Whether this means I am digging myself out of this current depressive episode, or just having a few good days before I bottom out again, I’m not sure. But I’ll take what I can get right now. And it’s been one of the worst episodes that I’ve had in years. So bad that I have contemplated taking rat poison or shooting myself, not just in passing, but really thought about it and considered it over several days. And it’s still there in the back of my mind. Because I feel like there is no other way out. And I am just so tired.

Things started slipping just after the readathon in April. There was no real precipitating factor, unless you count the fact that I have gotten no response from any of the positions I’ve applied for. Or, that’s not correct, I haven’t gotten interviews, I have gotten rejection emails that didn’t even consider me. And I’m applying for positions within my experience and skills, so I don’t know what it is, unless it’s my age.

I’ve barely read anything. Most days I don’t even pick up a book. Or clean, or bathe, or really even get out of bed. I last took a shower a month ago. Literally, 4 weeks tomorrow. I sleep a lot during the day, but not at night. I barely eat. And the only reason I really even get out of bed is to act as a shuttle driver for my brother and sister-in-law because their cars are both not running and their schedules overlap, so I’m the designated person that drives everyone where they need to go most days. Even then, the only time I get dressed is when I am going to the grocery store, the rest of the time I don’t get out of the car, so why bother.

Yes, my family is aware of all of this. No, they don’t care. My brother told me to my face several years ago that depression is made up and people who are depressed just need to suck it up. The last time I attempted to speak honestly with my mother about my mental health, she got angry and told me to never say something like that to her again. And since I literally have no friends, I am dealing with this on my own, as usual.

These mental health matters are not new for me. I’ve talked about them here before. I experienced my first suicidal ideation when I was 19, away at college, and was officially diagnosed with chronic depression at 24 (1995). I made an informed decision against medication and still stand by that choice. But times like now, when everything is out of whack with the rest of my life, maintaining my coping skills kind of goes out the window. And this time is hitting harder, I think, because it’s the first time when I am completely isolated with no friends or co-workers and no reason to force myself to function.

I’m not giving up. I’m still here. I started interacting with social media again a few days ago. I’ve started cleaning things up a bit. I’m still not reading. I’m still not eating a lot. I’m still struggling with sleep and a lot of back pain. I still haven’t gotten any calls for interviews. But I’m slowly starting to function again. I hope to post again soon.