How am I doing right now? Not great. The truth of the matter is, I’m not doing well at all. My mental health is bad. I feel completely isolated. But I also don’t feel like I can reach out to anyone because of the way things went down, so I don’t have a support system in place any longer.

I go to sleep at night not wanting to wake up in the morning. But I always do. Though to be fair, I’ve been waking up in the afternoon lately, not the morning. I’m not eating well or drinking enough water, or just taking care of myself in general. I know that I’m depressed, though I’ve been masking it with busy-ness. I’m not sure what I’m going to do when I finish the projects I’m working on.

I’m lonely, depressed, and completely disconnected from everyone. There’s only one person who even texts me, and those texts are generally pretty brief and superficial lately. I know part of that is my fault because I don’t want to just dump on them, but I also feel like they are starting to pull away. Honestly, they have a hugely busy life and my drama is nowhere near the top of their list of things that they need to focus on, so I really just need to get over myself. It’s also probably hard for them since they still work for my former employer. Rationally, I know all of this; emotionally, I’m a mess.

Reading and the various reorganization projects I’ve been working on do help, but there are still big chunks of the day where I stare into space and spiral. Especially in the early morning hours, after I’ve turned out the lights and lay in bed waiting to fall asleep. I’m currently staying awake until about 3am and sleeping until about 11am. But if I try to go to bed earlier, I fall further down the rabbit hole, and that doesn’t help anything.

While depression is a big factor here, as I already mentioned, I think the biggest thing for me is that I was so happy at my job. I loved my team and finally felt like I had found the place where I belonged, where I could be myself fully, people that I could share my passions and traumas with, people I considered found family. And I was rejected in the harshest possible way. It’s left me feeling completely worthless.

So now, with no one to talk to, I just sit here and spew all of my angst and trauma on my blog. I have to get through this so I can move forward with my life, I’m just not exactly sure how right now. And I’ve lost my benefits and have no income coming in, so I can’t even talk to a professional right now if I wanted to.

So there we are… the only way out, is through. I just have to hope for something good on the other side when I finally get there.