My first dip into depression happened when I was 19. Since then, my depression has ebbed and flowed. Sometimes circumstances in my life would feed it, other times it took on a life of it’s own. It always seems to be worse in the dark though, when it’s quiet and you just hear a whisper of movement. Maybe that’s why I always want all of the lights on in the house.

Over the years I’ve developed some coping mechanisms to help me deal with the worst of it, but there is always that moment when I first turn out the lights and climb into bed that it descends upon me. Even now, when I am fulfilled by my work, feeling optimistic about the future; I feel it when the lights go out.

It’s not always oppressive and all consuming. In fact, right now it is more of a whisper of sadness that sits just below the surface. But it’s an unnamed sadness. It happens on good days and bad. Sometimes it slips in and out on a series of breaths, other times it lingers until I finally fall asleep.

I have spent more of my life dealing with depression than I ever lived without it. At times, I think that these night time visits are its way of reminding me that it’s still here, below the surface, even when things are good. But maybe it’s just lingering whispers as it slowly dies away as I come closer and closer to finding my true self.