Sometimes I still think it’s pretty amazing that I made it so far into my life before I really came to understand myself and who I am. Maybe it was growing up in such a conservative family in a very insulated area of San Diego County. Though I also grew up in the 70s & 80s, so I wasn’t exposed to the LGBTQIA+ community, and what exposure I did receive wasn’t necessarily positive.

It wasn’t until I moved to Washington just before my 40th birthday that I started to really get to know myself, and not who I was supposed to be. Prior to this I had been an ally, which already made my family uncomfortable, especially when my gay best friend moved in with me my last year in California. But moving to Washington was the first time that I was completely on my own, away from my family and having to rely just on myself.

I learned so much about myself, new likes and dislikes, new interests. But I still hadn’t figured out the two biggest truths I had hidden from myself yet. It took an incident with a roommate that started the questions in my mind about my sexuality, but it would take several more years before I acknowledged to myself that I was actually bisexual and not the heterosexual ally I had always believed.

The questions had me looking at some of the things from my past that I explained away- the friends I spoiled and got jealous when they went out with other people, my appreciation of attractive women, some of the fantasies that I had played out in my mind. It took several years and the help of books like Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli and songs like The Dress by Taylor Swift before it finally clicked for me and I actually said, I am bisexual.

At first, I didn’t tell anyone. The first person I came out to was the gay best friend I had lived with, even though we hadn’t seen each other in several years. Then I came out to some people at work and created my anonymous online persona. I’m still not openly out, I’m not sure how accepted I would be by some members of my conservative family. The only family member who I’ve told is my sister-in-law, who is also bi. I assume she’s told my brother, but I don’t know for sure, we’ve never discussed it (he seems accepts the LGB portion of the community, but is also a MAGA transphobe, so I don’t feel 100% safe with him).

But even though I am not fully out and need to hide this part of my life from some people in my life, I feel so much more like myself, so much more authentic than I ever did before. Add that to realizing my neurodiversity, and I just understand myself so much better now. The next step is getting others to accept and understand me for who I am.