I feel like my time in this space has been very muddled this year. I consciously took a step back from trying to read a large volume of books this year to focus on growing outside my comfort zone and exploring new things. I’ve also tried to focus on my mental health, though I think my personal health may have suffered. I haven’t been as focused on the blog and sometimes can go a week or more without even reading.

I have a lot on my plate, from trying to go back to school, to things getting incredibly busy at work, to dealing with chronic exhaustion which has been going on for months. I feel like I’m all over the place and don’t have a clear focus. I don’t feel like I’m currently depressed, though have had some pretty low dips. I don’t think I’m feeling too anxious, though am stressed about a few things. I can’t blame the exhaustion on COVID because it started before I caught it (though I do think it has gotten worse). I do know that I am out of shape and do not take great care of myself. I’m overweight and have officially hit menopause this year, so all of that contributes as well.

I want to get more focused and more productive. I know that I have said that before. But I really need to find a way to center myself better and be more productive around what matters most. I feel like I’m half-assing things at work, at home, and with myself. It’s time for that to stop, it really is. Even if I only pick one area of my life, I have to start whole-assing something.

I think removing the giant book goal this year was a good thing, so I am not going to pledge to increase my number of books or anything. But I am going to commit to reading a little every day. I’m also going to commit to posting the books I finish each month, as well as the new books I acquire monthly (September’s list is already huge). I am also going to commit to Top Ten Tuesdays and at least one discussion post per month (probably not book related). I also have a goal to post at least one review per month, but am more flexible on that one. Ultimately, I’d like to get back to posting daily, but recognize that I don’t have that capacity right now and I need to conserve my spoons.

Health, both mental and physical, really need to be addressed as well. It’s been a while since I’ve had a physical and should really schedule an appointment for one. But because it’s been so long, there’s a lot of fear and anxiety there (what if something is really wrong below the surface and I’ve been denying it and burying my head in the sand for so long? Is it better to find out, or continue living life like nothing’s wrong? Plus I know they are going to get on me about my weight, and yeah, I know I’m overweight, I’m not stupid). And then there’s the idea of therapy, which I have gone back and forth with for so long. Should I or shouldn’t I? For this moment, I am going to commit to scheduling a “well woman” appointment and meditating nightly (even if it’s only 5 minutes to start). I am also going to commit to journaling at least once a week, more if needed, and to eating a healthy breakfast every morning. I want to commit to some kind of movement every day as well, but am dealing with a knee injury right now, so I need to keep it light for the time being.

There’s a part of me pushing me to make more commitments and focus on all areas of my life at once. But there’s also a part of me who thinks what I have here may already be too much to start with. I am terrible with follow through, based on past experiences, many of which all of you have read either here or on my previous blogs. Maybe I should make a reward chart, but have someone else be responsible for determining if I’ve earned the rewards? I don’t know if that would help motivate me or turn me off. But something has to give because I can’t feel this tired all the time.

So health and blogging are going to be the things I focus on for now. As I acquire more spoons or make progress in an area, I can look at expanding into the other areas of my life as well. But I’ve got to remember to keep myself moving slowly, I can’t change everything at once, no matter how many times I’ve tried to in the past.