I have now been officially unemployed for just over a week, though I haven’t actually worked for closer to two weeks. I have used this time to attempt to heal and work on projects. I say “attempt to heal” because I am a long way from recovered and I am having a really hard time moving forward right now (more on this tomorrow). But I can’t be without work for too long, so I have to get back out there, no matter how bad I am currently feeling.

So far, I’ve made a plan of which sites I’ll be exploring each day. And I’ve updated my resume. But I haven’t been able to bring myself to do the actually hunting process itself. It’s not like I’ll be getting my job back. And honestly even if they offered it, I wouldn’t take it back at this point. And it’s not like I can’t let go, because I’ve pretty firmly but most of the ties. It’s the hurt and trust issues that I’m struggling with right now.

I have looked at what’s available. And there are things I could apply for. But I haven’t applied for anything. And financially I’ll be ok for another couple of months, but I know that I need to start applying soon. I think I’m scared and ashamed of how things ended at my last job. I wasn’t enough. So how can I be enough for a new job?

Maybe I’m just in my head too much. I don’t know. I just know that I can’t wait any longer to put in applications. I have to find a way to move through the trauma and just do it. Before I am out of choices.