I wanted to share a little bit about what happened while I was away from the blog for the last couple of months, just to catch everyone up on where things are in my life right now.

First, is what mostly triggered my need for a blog break in the first place. Some backstory is needed: about 18-ish years ago my mom was diagnosed with aortic valve stenosis and had open heart surgery to replace her aortic valve. There were some complications with this and she had to have a pacemaker installed because her heart would not keep a rhythm. These valves generally last about 15-20 years and her new valve has now started narrowing. She had tests to determine whether she would be a candidate for a non-invasive procedure or would need to undergo open-heart surgery again. In September, they determined that she was not a good candidate for the non-invasive procedure and that she was an extreme risk for the open-heart. She was given a prognosis of 1-2 years. That prognosis does not take into consideration some of her other medical issues, namely diabetes and kidney disease, which may effect her life expectancy. When I asked what to expect, her cardiologist said it varies- she may start to slowly decline gradually, or she may just not wake up one day. As her primary caretaker, I am struggling with this. Doubly so because my mom and I have had a rocky relationship my entire life, so there’s a lot of guilt under the surface for me.

So that’s big and I have been coming to terms with the idea of losing my mom and wishing I could take her on a last trip back to San Diego, but knowing there’s no way short of winning the lottery that I could pull it off. There’s also fear for my future tied up in all of those feelings as well. I am struggling to find work and the job market is getting worse, not better. I live in my mom’s house, so what happens to me without my mom and without a job? It feels selfish to think about, but it’s there in the back of my mind.

Totally unrelated, I also received a jury summons in September for the month of October. Then a week later I received a summons saying to disregard the first one, because I had been chosen for the Grand Jury instead. So, I spent one day each week for the last two months serving on a grand jury panel. It was at times interesting and educational, and other times utterly devastating. Ultimately, I did prefer it over regular jury duty, even though it had a longer time commitment.

Outside of those main things, I didn’t do a lot. I updated my bookshelves and TBR, did a big food bank donation, read, and slept a lot.