I always get really introspective around my birthday every year. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. This year feels a little different though, because I’m not only thinking about my personal dreams and happiness, but also the state of our country and the world and where I fit into it.

In a lot of ways, I am already the person that I want to be. But there are still a few areas where fear and anxiety hold me back. Still others where depression or some aspect of my neurodivergence come into play. And then there are the very real limitations that come from not having any money, though to be fair those just keep me from acting on my inclinations.

I want to be a person who cares about others and who helps others in need. And I do care, deeply, which is one of the reasons I am really struggling with the current state of affairs. Before I lost my job, I supported several charities every month and helped with aid requests whenever possible. I also donated supplies and experiences for the employees and clients in my office. I’m not in a position where I can donate anything right now, and it kills me to not be able to help in this way.

I also want to be a person who stands up for those in trouble and fights for those in need. And I can do this with my words, posts, and emails to my representatives. But I struggle to do this in the ways that truly count like protests or providing escorts for immigrants. I like to say the reason I don’t do these are a lack of transportation and time constraints, but while these are legitimate reasons, the over-riding truth is that I am scared.

And I want to be a person who can take care of themselves. And I am so not. I have always struggled when I’ve lived on my own. I’ll do okay for a while, but then everything builds up and crashes over me and I fail, every single time. When I was younger, I didn’t know I was neurodivergent, but as I’ve learned more about myself, I’ve come to understand why I’m the way I am. And now that I’ve gone through menopause and my executive function has deteriorated a bit more, I don’t think I will ever be able to be fully on my own again. And that’s hard for me.

I guess, overall, I just want to be a braver version of myself. And to have some form of an income again so that I can be more of the helper and less of the helped.