I want so much more than I can actually have right now. I keep looking at houses and apartments for rent, but I feel like I can’t move right now because who will make sure mom gets groceries and test strips and do her laundry? But I also feel like I can’t stay here where I can’t really be true to myself and who I am. My mental health takes a hit day in and day out because nothing I do is ever good enough. And really I just want to be free.

But there’s also a lot of fear involved in making this move as well. It seems like I’ve failed every time I’ve been on my own. Of course, I’ve never been more stable career-wise, but that doesn’t mean I won’t meander down the road of financial ruin again.

I will also lose the ability to donate so much to my work as well. That part is ok really though, because now that we’ve built up supplies, we won’t need to buy as much going forward. Though I’ll need to cut back my other charitable giving as well. And I won’t be able to travel as much. Though of course some of my traveling is just running away for time alone, so I won’t need to travel as much.

Essentially, there are pros and cons for leaving and for staying, I just have to determine what makes the most sense for me and make a plan if I decide to leave. I gave away almost everything I owned when I moved down here to help mom, so will need to plan to acquire furniture and kitchenware and all of that stuff again if I do ultimately decide to move. And I think that’s the direction I’m leaning… at least right now. I think it really is time to make a plan.