I was supposed to be spending this morning doing all of my final prep to get ready for the Reverse Readathon starting this evening. This is my absolute favorite of the 3 Dewey’s events each year. But unfortunately I am going to have to skip it due to an unrealized scheduling conflict with my sister-in-law’s work schedule.

I am gutted, but since I don’t have a job and none of my brother’s/sister-in-law’s cars are running (they have 4), they are using mom’s car (the one I normally drive). when their schedules overlap (almost every day), I have to play chauffeur to get them to and from work (as well as getting mom to her errands and appointments). I didn’t realize until just an hour ago (11pm Thursday), that the Friday schedule for this week is different and completely disrupts the start of the event and the plans that I had made.

While it would seem like I could just adjust my plans, I can’t. Routine and planning are critical for me and disruptions induce anxiety, stress and trauma response. I’m devastated because I’ve been looking forward to this event since April and actively planning for it for the past month.

The three Dewey’s events are sacred days for me. I would request off work, close off potential interruptions, and bask in 24 hours of me time to celebrate what brings me joy. This disruption to my schedule has stripped all of the joy from the event for me. I’m just sitting here crying and heartbroken. I don’t want to spiral again because I feel like I just dug out of that hole, but I feel myself struggling right now. This just reinforces my lack of control over anything in my life and the fact that my needs don’t matter. I should be used to this by now.