Last week I talked about fear, and how it has been affecting me. This week I want to talk about time.

Sometimes you need to take a time out to just figure things out. But unfortunately the world doesn’t wait for you while you’re doing that. I’m still trying to figure things out in my life, but I feel like I’m running out of time and will end up in a situation that derails all of the work I have done on myself over the last several years.

It doesn’t help that my sleep cycle has changed up to what works for my body and not what works for society, so that I sleep until mid-afternoon, but don’t go to sleep until most people are waking up for work. The times that I am most productive are the times when most others are sleeping.

I need to start using the time I have to my advantage, but I’m struggling with that right now and I feel like I am just wasting it. But I still want more. More time to figure out where to go next, more time to just be with my hurt, more time to rest and read and recuperate. If it were just me, I would probably continue to take some more time and just drift. But if I don’t eat, mom doesn’t eat, so I can’t.

I guess fear and time have sort of become entwined for me. I wish that I could freeze time, but I can’t, so it keeps slipping away as I wrestle with the fear that’s locking me in place.