I have always known that I was different. And I have always asked myself and the universe what was wrong with me. Why didn’t I have friends, why couldn’t I keep friends, why did no one want to date me, why did the simplest things frustrate me, why couldn’t I seem to take care of myself? I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Adult ADD (now just ADHD), and mild OCD (which always felt wrong). And it took a long time (almost 52 years) to figure out what was really going on.

I was born in 1971, people with neurodivergence with low support needs were not diagnosed. At most, some of the boys might be diagnosed with ADHD (or ADD which was a separate diagnosis at the time). I was deemed shy because I wouldn’t ask for help or to go to the bathroom (holding it until I was in pain at one point) in preschool or kindergarten. In first grade, I was tested because I wrote from right to left instead of left to right. I said it was because I was left handed, so they decided I was “gifted.” I had a hard time learning to do things like tie my shoes.

As school progressed, I learned quickly (to a point) and academics were easy for me (initially). The social stuff less so. And I tried to hard to follow schedules and do what I’m supposed to do. But when I had two conflicting responsibilities, I couldn’t determine which was the priority. Choosing incorrectly resulted in me getting yelled at in front of half the school by a teacher in 5th grade.

I learned a musical instrument quickly, but could only get so far. I graduated high school with honors, but failed my college courses. I didn’t know how to study or manage my time, but would initially excel in areas and then hit that wall that required more discipline or education or something that I didn’t seem to have. This theme has continued into my work life as well, I do well at a job initially, get praise and promotion, then stagnate or fail hard. When I change jobs, I am more likely to move backwards than move into a higher position.

My family would tease me because I would make lists for everything and always had to do things in a certain order and separate things by color, taste or type. Changes to my daily routine would throw me off. I would have to start over or stop everything if I couldn’t move on to my next task. And if someone pulled me from my routines to do something for them, I would get frustrated and angry (yelling often occurred). This is still a big problem for me. And I would hyperfocus on one or two things that catch my attention and devote all of my time to them.

Friend groups would be made in every class or job along the way, but I could never seem to keep them. I either share way too much about myself or not enough. I have been told to shut up multiple times in various situations, like when my friend group were first on the scene to a car accident and I kept repeating details over and over. Any friends that I keep in touch with for a while just seem to stop responding. So I end up with just my family, who disapprove of me.

When I started working for the job that ultimately crushed me, I started learning more about neurodiversity and IDD (Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities). I became certified to conduct an intensive training that included a module on Autism Spectrum Disorder. As I started learning more about the social aspects, I started to identify with them, and I started to wonder.

But Autism includes sensory issues and I didn’t think I had sensory issues, until I started going through the diagnostics and really looked hard at my life. At the sensitivity I have to certain audio frequencies, at my need for a high level of light to function properly (I do not do well with dim lighting at all), at my sensitivity to pressure (4-D attractions at Disney Parks are painful to me), at my dislike of foods with certain textures, at my intolerance for heat.

The only thing I didn’t seem to have was any kind of stimming. But again, as I looked back on my childhood and early adulthood, I realized that there were always two different stimming behaviors I would do unconsciously- clicking my tongue (I used to think it sounded like a horse galloping) and rapidly touching my fingers to my thumbs on both hands (at the time I said I was practicing my fingering for flute, but the movements really weren’t consistent with that). I no longer do the tongue click, but I still do the finger tapping.

When I went through the diagnostic, I met all of the criteria for an Autism diagnosis. And the things I’ve learned from the Autism community on social media have only reinforced for me that I am Autistic (walking on tip toes, sleeping with my hands tucked in, etc.), which explains so much and helps me to understand myself so much better.

I don’t have a formal diagnosis and doubt that I will get one at this point in time. I’m in my 50’s and require minimal support (I been functioning without support for this long). But now I don’t have to ask what’s wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with me, I just needed to understand how my brain functions differently.